Pensive. That IS what I was yesterday... Took the dogs to the park. As they ran around chasing their shadows... I sat pondering the process of the "refiners fire". You see... it IS said that if you are intent on growing ~ to be prepared for the refiners fire. I know what that really means ~ Pain. The process is painful... I know...because I have been placed in the Refiners Fire. I'm not sure that I want to be refined anymore ~ it hurts.
A silver smith will hold the piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. In refining silver, one needs to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames are the hottest as to burn away all the impurities. If the silver is left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. If you asked a silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He'd answer, "when I see my image in it."
That jaunt in my mind took about 5 min. to play out. We were at the park for over an hour...
I have done my share of things that I am not proud of; that I regret. Into the refiners fire...burning away the impurities. It hurt. And I'm not finished, for I react and say things out of hurt and anger, that would be better left unsaid...
Thus marked the end of our trip to the dog park.
Came home to destroy more of my back yard and work out the rest of what was in my head. Does it hurt me ~ the things they have said? Indeed. But those are only words... I have known a deeper pain... feeling the deepest sorrow in knowing how miserable another person is...and knowing they may never experience peace and love... THAT has hurt me more; the pain of another.
Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words will last a life time...
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
All is quiet on the Western Front
I think perhaps I'm too tired to BLOP tonight... Whoever said, "yard work is fun." LIED. LOL I've been tearing up my back yard... and I must admit there is some sweet satisfaction is destroying something in a productive way. Guess I've been taking out my aggression on my yard... didn't realize how much anger I had to vent out... However, my dilemma has been this...the snails. I'm ruining their ecosystem... as I'm digging the rake into the soil, I'm apologizing to the snails for taking out their "homes". Accidentally stepped on one ~ I cried. LOL
Took the dogs to the park today...what a beautiful day! I curled up on a bench and read a book while my "children" went to play. jojo found a girlfriend and flirted around with her. Abby (the princess) stayed right by my side. Over to the office after that... did some real work...then came home to dig up the yard some more. Now we are ALL beat.
Sorry ~ no great pearls today... All is quiet on the Western front.
Took the dogs to the park today...what a beautiful day! I curled up on a bench and read a book while my "children" went to play. jojo found a girlfriend and flirted around with her. Abby (the princess) stayed right by my side. Over to the office after that... did some real work...then came home to dig up the yard some more. Now we are ALL beat.
Sorry ~ no great pearls today... All is quiet on the Western front.
Monday, March 12, 2007
old ugly vanity
My friend was driving home from work and spotted an old vanity for sale in a yard. She immediately called me, because she knew that I have wanted one just like that for years... my grandma had one and I used to play "dress up" at it when I was young. So, I hopped in my car and headed over there... No answer to the door bell. Someone had already left a note saying she wanted to buy it. I went to my car and the only thing I could find to write on was a business card. I wrote a short note on the back. Walking back to put it next to the other note, the lady came to the door. I told her I was interested in the vanity...AND I told her the other note WAS there first. She said, "if you want it, you can take it." She was an older lady, kind of cranky... I called my parents and asked for my Dad to bring the truck. Within, 15 min. He was there ready to load the old UGLY vanity on the truck. I went to give the lady the money. She began to cry when I handed her the money ~ said, she'd just gotten out of the hospital and was really struggling. The vanity was her grandmothers, but she needed the money. She thanked me and I promised to take good care of the vanity... and off I went.
I took pictures of the ugly vanity... then I set about my work. Sanded it down, taking off the old scars ingrained in the wood... Stained it a beautiful dark wood...and it was an amazing transformation! Captured the new vanity and will send the pictures to the old lady...
While tenderly creating that masterpiece... my mind began to swirl around thoughts of the significance of the transformation process. How often are we scarred by life ~ scratched ~ depleted of our beauty ~ and left feeling abandoned on the side of a road? Perhaps we are blessed enough to have someone come along... and take the time to love us through the transformation process, even though it may be painful and take a tremendous amount of patience ~ what a beautiful outcome!
The human condition of pain can be incredibly complicated to understand. Sometimes, it is during our most painful times in life, that we push the people away that could help us the most. We may disregard the people that love us and care for us ~ the people that would walk through the valley with us and help us come out stronger. This could be a result of shame or guilt or embarrassment... either way ~ resulting in isolation and loss. I'd even venture to take it one more step and say...sometimes we turn to people who will tickle our ears with their truth, because we so desperately want to hear what we already believe in our hearts ~ "that person never really cared about me" "that person betrayed me" "that person wasn't sincere." We may push away the very person who brought us comfort and who was willing to go through the transformation process with us...
My NEW vanity! It is beautiful and it wasn't by accident my friend drove down that street... Perhaps the old lady will begin her healing process ~ and what an honor to be a part of that!
I took pictures of the ugly vanity... then I set about my work. Sanded it down, taking off the old scars ingrained in the wood... Stained it a beautiful dark wood...and it was an amazing transformation! Captured the new vanity and will send the pictures to the old lady...
While tenderly creating that masterpiece... my mind began to swirl around thoughts of the significance of the transformation process. How often are we scarred by life ~ scratched ~ depleted of our beauty ~ and left feeling abandoned on the side of a road? Perhaps we are blessed enough to have someone come along... and take the time to love us through the transformation process, even though it may be painful and take a tremendous amount of patience ~ what a beautiful outcome!
The human condition of pain can be incredibly complicated to understand. Sometimes, it is during our most painful times in life, that we push the people away that could help us the most. We may disregard the people that love us and care for us ~ the people that would walk through the valley with us and help us come out stronger. This could be a result of shame or guilt or embarrassment... either way ~ resulting in isolation and loss. I'd even venture to take it one more step and say...sometimes we turn to people who will tickle our ears with their truth, because we so desperately want to hear what we already believe in our hearts ~ "that person never really cared about me" "that person betrayed me" "that person wasn't sincere." We may push away the very person who brought us comfort and who was willing to go through the transformation process with us...
My NEW vanity! It is beautiful and it wasn't by accident my friend drove down that street... Perhaps the old lady will begin her healing process ~ and what an honor to be a part of that!
Friday, March 9, 2007
Redwoods and friends
Years ago, I took a "road trip" with my Dad. We drove up to Oregon to visit with family... Our "adventure" was weaved with side trips to see natures beauty and the time spent with him was truly remarkable. He is a host of information and I never grow weary of hearing his tales from his youth or taking in his lessons ~ because intertwined in his story are life applications...
It had rained all night, yet stopped just in time for us to explore the Red Woods... Sunlight began to filter down through the tall trees that bordered the rim of the trail where we parked. All the world sparkled in radiant glory as billions of suspended raindrops hung heavy from every branch, needle, and blade of grass. No human-carved diamond could ever match even a single drop as it hung suspended, cascading intricate rainbows from its liquid center, completely free for any eye to behold. Incomprehensible "wealth" sparkled from every surface. Awe-inspired silence followed as we set out to explore the wonders around us. I felt like I had discovered a lost and priceless treasure. Looking back...in this age of superficiality...I realize that I actually had. "Could Heaven be any more beautiful that this?" I wondered within my heart.
If I could see god's "friendship"... it must look like these forests. Perhaps it's not coincidental that the tallest tress on EARTH comes from their reliance on the depth of true friendship. Because of their immense height and remarkably shallow root system, redwood tress should be very susceptible to high wind. Yet they rarely blow down because they practice something truly amazing. Even though they have very superficial roots, they are still FREE to grow into towering giants because of one simple thing: Redwoods hold each other up. Initially, it may not look like much support at all when we gaze up into these majestic forests and see these trees only casually touching. What we cannot see is that beneath our feet, few other trees on earth interlock their roots with more tenacity than redwoods. Therefore a redwood tree cannot survive long by itself. It is when they stand together... allowing their intrinsic individuality to weave seamlessly one into the other...that redwoods are truly strong.
When our roots...and heart...are intertwined together like the redwoods, we can hold each other up in strength, together standing firm against the winds of adversity. We need each other. We need to reach out to those around us who are being buffeted by the wind. By choosing to send our love deep into the hearts of those we call friends...our own heart is stabilized, embraced, and nurtured. It doesn't just happen...it is a choice to send out our roots.
It had rained all night, yet stopped just in time for us to explore the Red Woods... Sunlight began to filter down through the tall trees that bordered the rim of the trail where we parked. All the world sparkled in radiant glory as billions of suspended raindrops hung heavy from every branch, needle, and blade of grass. No human-carved diamond could ever match even a single drop as it hung suspended, cascading intricate rainbows from its liquid center, completely free for any eye to behold. Incomprehensible "wealth" sparkled from every surface. Awe-inspired silence followed as we set out to explore the wonders around us. I felt like I had discovered a lost and priceless treasure. Looking back...in this age of superficiality...I realize that I actually had. "Could Heaven be any more beautiful that this?" I wondered within my heart.
If I could see god's "friendship"... it must look like these forests. Perhaps it's not coincidental that the tallest tress on EARTH comes from their reliance on the depth of true friendship. Because of their immense height and remarkably shallow root system, redwood tress should be very susceptible to high wind. Yet they rarely blow down because they practice something truly amazing. Even though they have very superficial roots, they are still FREE to grow into towering giants because of one simple thing: Redwoods hold each other up. Initially, it may not look like much support at all when we gaze up into these majestic forests and see these trees only casually touching. What we cannot see is that beneath our feet, few other trees on earth interlock their roots with more tenacity than redwoods. Therefore a redwood tree cannot survive long by itself. It is when they stand together... allowing their intrinsic individuality to weave seamlessly one into the other...that redwoods are truly strong.
When our roots...and heart...are intertwined together like the redwoods, we can hold each other up in strength, together standing firm against the winds of adversity. We need each other. We need to reach out to those around us who are being buffeted by the wind. By choosing to send our love deep into the hearts of those we call friends...our own heart is stabilized, embraced, and nurtured. It doesn't just happen...it is a choice to send out our roots.
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Remembrance
Being remembered and supported feels undeniably GOOD. It's a sweet reminder that we are special to someone. Really, the size or quantity of the "remembrance" isn't as important to us as the fact that... we just are. Many psychology studies have concluded over and over again that one of the greatest driving forces of the human heart... is simply to be needed. I needed the support of the many who have shown me "remembrances" through out my life ~ and specifically on Saturday... To need another person should beget thanking them as well. Sometimes we can do that in uniquely simple ways. And if we are faithful in this endeavor...every now and then, something remarkable happens...
Sending "thank you" cards out tomorrow... Writing them each individually ~ because I am thankful for each individual person who cared enough to support me and remember me by participating in the celebration of my new office...
Sending "thank you" cards out tomorrow... Writing them each individually ~ because I am thankful for each individual person who cared enough to support me and remember me by participating in the celebration of my new office...
Bruises
Another amazing day... Yesterday... Met my friend at my sister's house, we visited with my brother-in-law for a bit, then headed down to visit another friend in the hospital. Driving back, we stopped for a hike in the foothills... WOW! Breathtaking! And I am NOT minimizing BREATH TAKING. I am going to quit smoking... Walking along the trail, focusing on breathing and lost in my thoughts... So many jumbled thoughts, making their way into a cohesive blend of truth and clarity...
Bruises are evidence of where subdural bleeding has occurred. They are visual and often painful reminders of blows we have received. But unlike wounds, bruises do not leave scars. In time, deep purple turns into a rainbow of blue, violet, pink, and sometimes even a strangely beautiful yellowish green. Eventually our natural skin color returns and we are to the outside world, "back to normal." Yet, like our scars, our bruises can teach us so much more than just about pain. With the rhythmic crunch of my tennis shoes on the trail... I was reminded about the bruising blows my little heart has endured...
We found a spot and stopped to rest. While my friend was off taking pictures, I stretched out on a rock...warmed by the sun...thrilled by the beauty ~ I thought, "Life is so good...perhaps my bruised heart could change into something usable again. Maybe I just need to know that miracles really do still happen." I realized at that moment, that I must absorb and learn from my "bruise."
When we are caught in a season of feeling bruised and in pain, it is often difficult at that time to believe we can feel any other way. Pain is crushing, blinding, paralyzing. It is not unlike the venom of a predator, meant only to numb it's prey into uselessness. There, in that "feeling useless" place, we have a choice to make. We can decide to stay paralyzed in our pain, or we can decide to take steps toward our healing. I chose many months ago...to make a conscious effort to move into healing... Yet, that bruise was "bumped again" by the knowledge of pure betrayal... My heart was deadened to the one who had captured it ~ to the one that I prayed for reconciliation with...
Sometimes within our healing process some "dead flesh" needs to be excised away. Sometimes the knife of the Maker (God) is needed to release us from our "dead spots" that hold us back from an HONEST recovery. This might smart a bit at the time, but what is revealed beneath that deadness is ALWAYS worth the choice... Rising from that rock, heading back up the trail... I came to understand that my "deadness" might be the last release of my pain from this particular "blow". Perhaps... the next swipe of the knife will reveal a fresh newness within me that wasn't there before. Until that moment, I never really understood that the most beautiful thing about a bruise...is that they come...and last until they are absorbed...and then they GO!"
Release. As a butterfly is released from the cocoon... my heart will be released and able to soar again...
Bruises are evidence of where subdural bleeding has occurred. They are visual and often painful reminders of blows we have received. But unlike wounds, bruises do not leave scars. In time, deep purple turns into a rainbow of blue, violet, pink, and sometimes even a strangely beautiful yellowish green. Eventually our natural skin color returns and we are to the outside world, "back to normal." Yet, like our scars, our bruises can teach us so much more than just about pain. With the rhythmic crunch of my tennis shoes on the trail... I was reminded about the bruising blows my little heart has endured...
We found a spot and stopped to rest. While my friend was off taking pictures, I stretched out on a rock...warmed by the sun...thrilled by the beauty ~ I thought, "Life is so good...perhaps my bruised heart could change into something usable again. Maybe I just need to know that miracles really do still happen." I realized at that moment, that I must absorb and learn from my "bruise."
When we are caught in a season of feeling bruised and in pain, it is often difficult at that time to believe we can feel any other way. Pain is crushing, blinding, paralyzing. It is not unlike the venom of a predator, meant only to numb it's prey into uselessness. There, in that "feeling useless" place, we have a choice to make. We can decide to stay paralyzed in our pain, or we can decide to take steps toward our healing. I chose many months ago...to make a conscious effort to move into healing... Yet, that bruise was "bumped again" by the knowledge of pure betrayal... My heart was deadened to the one who had captured it ~ to the one that I prayed for reconciliation with...
Sometimes within our healing process some "dead flesh" needs to be excised away. Sometimes the knife of the Maker (God) is needed to release us from our "dead spots" that hold us back from an HONEST recovery. This might smart a bit at the time, but what is revealed beneath that deadness is ALWAYS worth the choice... Rising from that rock, heading back up the trail... I came to understand that my "deadness" might be the last release of my pain from this particular "blow". Perhaps... the next swipe of the knife will reveal a fresh newness within me that wasn't there before. Until that moment, I never really understood that the most beautiful thing about a bruise...is that they come...and last until they are absorbed...and then they GO!"
Release. As a butterfly is released from the cocoon... my heart will be released and able to soar again...
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
The Tapesty of Life...
I am reminded again at how limited I am to view the "big picture"...
The Tapestry of life... often looks like an impossible tangle of knots and threads with no design, they don't seem to match or make much sense. Yet, there is something incredible, rational, and complete. Looking at the tapestry from above ~ every thread aligns with every other thread to create a purpose, value, meaning, and transcending beauty. I have seen this TRUTH my whole life...
Now the scattered shards of my "life" begin to rearrange into a picture far more beautiful than the one I had become accustomed to. My life is being crafted from the wreckage into something usable, whole and redeeming.
My life, as I knew it, crumbled that week in Sept. Once again, I found myself on my knees... and again it was laid out before me ~ the direction for my life to go... This time... I did not try to outrun, outsmart, outlast the universe...
It is a day I will NEVER forget... A couple weeks after losing everything (very little exaggeration when I say "everything"). Loaded jojo up and took him to the dog park. As he ran off to play with the other dogs... I walked and talked ~ circling the interior fence of the park... listening to Martina... having an internal dialogue. "I don't want to be refined anymore... Please, I'm content to be little and unrefined... this hurts... I can not bear the weight of all that is happening." It was clear. The response was undeniably... I was to go and lead ~ speak, counsel, write... I asked, "who am I?" in full recognition of all my mistakes and shortcomings. Sometimes I feel like nothing more than a bare-fisted prize fighter who gets the stuffing beat out of him every other day. Often, I am bruised and bloodied. My honest inadequacies were confessed that day to every dog in that park as they came over to greet me...
"why me?"
There in the semi-silent park, blowing gently through the trees and swirling into my heart, a familiar, peaceful response began to whisper, "you are a simple girl entangled with the same mistakes and shortcomings as everyone else...why NOT you? You are a small pebble plucked from a stream, and when thrown by MY hand, giants in the lives of those around you have fallen; it is not your strength but Mine...why NOT you?" With the dogs as my witness and hope as my guide, the lingering resistance that once gripped my heart began to crumble away. I could feel it falling until it dashed against the ground beneath my feet and shattered into irreparable fragments...
Sometimes clarity happens in the most unlikely places ~ at the dog park, in the bath tub or driving across town. I have come to believe that it IS our "bruising," our weakness, that is truly the most powerful and HONEST TRUTH we can share. Perhaps it IS sufficient to encourage others by simply stating, "friends, here are some of the mistakes I have made..."
The Tapestry of life... often looks like an impossible tangle of knots and threads with no design, they don't seem to match or make much sense. Yet, there is something incredible, rational, and complete. Looking at the tapestry from above ~ every thread aligns with every other thread to create a purpose, value, meaning, and transcending beauty. I have seen this TRUTH my whole life...
Now the scattered shards of my "life" begin to rearrange into a picture far more beautiful than the one I had become accustomed to. My life is being crafted from the wreckage into something usable, whole and redeeming.
My life, as I knew it, crumbled that week in Sept. Once again, I found myself on my knees... and again it was laid out before me ~ the direction for my life to go... This time... I did not try to outrun, outsmart, outlast the universe...
It is a day I will NEVER forget... A couple weeks after losing everything (very little exaggeration when I say "everything"). Loaded jojo up and took him to the dog park. As he ran off to play with the other dogs... I walked and talked ~ circling the interior fence of the park... listening to Martina... having an internal dialogue. "I don't want to be refined anymore... Please, I'm content to be little and unrefined... this hurts... I can not bear the weight of all that is happening." It was clear. The response was undeniably... I was to go and lead ~ speak, counsel, write... I asked, "who am I?" in full recognition of all my mistakes and shortcomings. Sometimes I feel like nothing more than a bare-fisted prize fighter who gets the stuffing beat out of him every other day. Often, I am bruised and bloodied. My honest inadequacies were confessed that day to every dog in that park as they came over to greet me...
"why me?"
There in the semi-silent park, blowing gently through the trees and swirling into my heart, a familiar, peaceful response began to whisper, "you are a simple girl entangled with the same mistakes and shortcomings as everyone else...why NOT you? You are a small pebble plucked from a stream, and when thrown by MY hand, giants in the lives of those around you have fallen; it is not your strength but Mine...why NOT you?" With the dogs as my witness and hope as my guide, the lingering resistance that once gripped my heart began to crumble away. I could feel it falling until it dashed against the ground beneath my feet and shattered into irreparable fragments...
Sometimes clarity happens in the most unlikely places ~ at the dog park, in the bath tub or driving across town. I have come to believe that it IS our "bruising," our weakness, that is truly the most powerful and HONEST TRUTH we can share. Perhaps it IS sufficient to encourage others by simply stating, "friends, here are some of the mistakes I have made..."
Friday, March 2, 2007
This Little Light of Mine
I woke up this morning... contemplating MANY things of course... My mind is like a freight train sometimes... So, I was thinking about a boy that I worked with... E came to us, 15 years old...and had not spoken a word in over 2 years. Each day he'd come into the group room, sit in the same chair and stair out the same window and NEVER uttered a word. One couldn't make eye contact with the kid, cuz his hair was long and completely covered his face. He was dirty and catatonic really... E and his family were assigned to ME. Our individual sessions were...ummm...interesting... I just talked to myself ~ which isn't uncommon really. days. weeks. months. This continued... the staff began to "diagnose" him ~ schizoaffective, schizoid, retarded... They wanted ME to discharge him because he didn't seem to be connecting to anyone, but I think they just didn't want to work that hard. I refused to give up on him... I refused to discharge him. I was determined to find the light that I knew was in there... I knew somewhere locked in the recesses of his heart was a little boy that was lost... Every day, I greeted E...everyday I did what I could to chip away at that wall. I would NOT give up on him... one day... E greeted me with a grunt. That WAS progress... I, yes ME, lost my cool with him one day... Very near tears (or perhaps there were a few trickling down) I yelled at him... Told E that he was the only one that could let his light shine... he was the only one that could unlock the flood gates... and that it pissed me off that he refused to try... I went on for quite some time ~ in my good 'ol frustrated ~ I can't get it out fast enough ~ fashion... I went on and on... To MY amazement, he pushed his hair back, tears in HIS eyes and he SPOKE. He said, "Krista nobody has ever cared to see what is inside of me... WHY? WHY do YOU care?" In that moment...I just hugged that kid... "He's alive!" That began our long journey, E and I. I worked with him and his family for over a year... by the end... the family was actually talking to each other... admitting they loved one another...spending time together... E cut his hair, wow such a handsome young man... Once those flood gates opened however, I could NOT shut him up. LOL His mother called me recently... E graduated, has a job and is doing remarkably well... She called to thank me for giving them their son back. I simply said, "L your son never went away... his light had just burned out for a time... I was simply the match." There have been times when my little light burned out too... feeling completely lost and devastated by "life's" blows... knocked over for a time... there have always been those people that held the match ~ helping me to get back up... This little light of mine... I'm gonna let it shine...
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Mirror Mirror on the Wall
Spend any amount of time with someone and they WILL present themselves... For some people it's as though you are looking at others (your friends etc...) in a mirror ~ for they are mirror images of yourself. When YOU look in the mirror...WHO do you see?
And for some people it's as though you are viewing others through a window... You see WHO the other person IS ~ by their actions, words, deeds... However, when looking through that window you first see your own reflection and indeed WHO you are... Even still other people can tint that window, so that your glimpse of another person is distorted. What does that window reflect back to you?
When YOU look at me... WHO do you see? Have YOU spent any amount of time with me to really KNOW who I am?
I am ME... unique. talented. smart. determined. beautiful. generous. I see my value and I will NEVER allow anyone to tear me down again... I will only have people in my view ~ a mirror or a window...that reflect the things I hold dear to my heart ~ LOVE, compassion, kindness, faith...TRUTH.
Busy day ~ getting ready for my open house. When I stop and think about all the people that have lifted me up when I was down... that encouraged me to continue on this path...that prayed for me and with me... that have been consistent in my life ~ I have been so BLESSED! I sent a hundred invitations out... Each person that received an invitation has touched my life in a positive way and I feel honored to call them "friend". And Lord help me if they ALL show up :) My office ain't THAT big... but my heart IS.
Mirror Mirror on the Wall...
And for some people it's as though you are viewing others through a window... You see WHO the other person IS ~ by their actions, words, deeds... However, when looking through that window you first see your own reflection and indeed WHO you are... Even still other people can tint that window, so that your glimpse of another person is distorted. What does that window reflect back to you?
When YOU look at me... WHO do you see? Have YOU spent any amount of time with me to really KNOW who I am?
I am ME... unique. talented. smart. determined. beautiful. generous. I see my value and I will NEVER allow anyone to tear me down again... I will only have people in my view ~ a mirror or a window...that reflect the things I hold dear to my heart ~ LOVE, compassion, kindness, faith...TRUTH.
Busy day ~ getting ready for my open house. When I stop and think about all the people that have lifted me up when I was down... that encouraged me to continue on this path...that prayed for me and with me... that have been consistent in my life ~ I have been so BLESSED! I sent a hundred invitations out... Each person that received an invitation has touched my life in a positive way and I feel honored to call them "friend". And Lord help me if they ALL show up :) My office ain't THAT big... but my heart IS.
Mirror Mirror on the Wall...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)