Forgive

Let's talk about this for a minute... Forgive. What does that even mean? That you "let it go"? That you just let them do it again and again? That you trust them implicitly? Not necessarily. 

Before forgiveness comes pain, anger, sorrow... something negative. For many of us, we carry that burden of the pain. How long we carry it, is entirely up to us.

I forgive pretty quickly. That might be my "downfall", but I do. It doesn't seem to matter how shitty someone is to me or what pain they have caused me ~ I forgive. I may not give them an opportunity to hurt me again, but I'm really good at forgiving them. 

I don't forgive them because they deserve it. I forgive them because I deserve it. I deserve to live happy, joyous and free... I deserve to embrace my heart and let it beat with kindness. 

I've heard it said, "Holding a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die". This quote or some variation of it has been attributed to multiple sources (Nelson Mandela, Buddha, Frank McCourt, 12 step programs and etc...). It doesn't matter who first said it, it's true. 

Who do you need to forgive? Don't you think YOU deserve it?!

Don't Slow Down

                                                   

Another book that changed my life is, Ask and It Is Given. One of my favorite little analogies from this book is in regards to moving energy to manifest our desires and remove resistance. Let me see if I can explain it the way Abraham does... 

                                   

If you hit a tree while driving 100 mph, the impact could be quite devastating. The outcome would be considerably different if you hit that same tree at just 5 mph.

The speed of the vehicle is like the power of your desire. Another way to say this is, the more you want something or the longer you have been focusing upon your desire, the faster the energy moves. The tree in this analogy represents "resistance" or the contradictory thoughts that may be present.

Who wants to run into trees? It's probably not pleasant. And holding onto powerful desires in the midst of resistance is also not pleasant. Some people try to remedy this by slowing down their vehicle. 

In other words, they deny their desire or they try to release it and sometimes with great effort, they are able to diffuse the power of their desire to some degree, but by far, the better remedy is to reduce your level of resistance.

I had a friend once tell me, YOLO (I'd never heard that before). She said it means, "You Only Live Once". "So, like Carpe Diem?" "Yes" "Got it".

She said to live every minute, not wasting even a second, and live life ~ do things. be adventurous. 

So the moral to the story is... don't slow your car down. Instead, remove the trees. 

UnMask

Let's be honest... MOST of us have or have had "masks". I used to have a closet full of them and I would wear the one that was applicable to specific situations. I had the "smart girl" mask that I wore in school. Then there was the "pretty girl" that I wore at work (Disneyland)... the "nice girl", the "good girl", the "happy girl", the "funny girl" and the list went on and on. But it was exhausting and sometimes I'd get confused and wear the wrong mask... until one day I decide to UNMASK.

OH what freedom there was... I discovered that in essence, I was ALL of those things (smart, pretty, good, happy, funny and etc...) and it was okay to just be ALL of me, ALL the time. I wore all those masks, not because underneath them I was sad or angry ~ because I wasn't. I just wanted to be what YOU wanted me to be... I'd figure out what the expectation was and then I would be sure to show up that way for YOU. So you'd like me. So you'd want to be around me.

Here I am... some years later and this is how I roll ~ IF you want to be in my life, you will. If you don't, you won't. That's none of my business, nor is it my responsibility. My only responsibility is to be authentic and honest and kind.

There are some people who's masks cover their "shadow self" (those dark pieces of themselves that are sad, angry, lonely and etc...) There is nothing more unattractive than a hypocrite. When people's words and actions do not match... that drives me nuts. It shouldn't, but it does. Especially if they are a "public figure" (although that really shouldn't matter either). 

"I am joyful and loving and kind..." words. 
"I intentionally and willfully use people until they no longer serve a purpose for me and then I discard them..." actions. 

I guess that's just their "masks" ~ what they show people and who they are underneath are two very different things...

IF you wear a mask or two... what's underneath? Are you brave enough to "unmask" and just be ALL of you... ALL the time? AND... if underneath those masks ~ you aren't the person you want to be ~ get to work and become the person you want to be... so your words and actions match and you LOVE who you are.

I dare you... I dare US!

That's a Wrap

That wraps up the Four Agreements... Just read the book! You can get it on Amazon for about $7. May be the best investment you've ever made... It certainly changed the way I relate to the world around me...

The Fourth Agreement

THIS one is my favorite and yet it is still challenging to do sometimes. For a perfectionist, like me, I am harder on myself than anyone else ever could be. I demand perfection from myself. So, sometimes I just need to give myself permission to ~ just do my best.

If I just do my best, there is no way I can judge myself. And if I don’t judge myself there is no way I am going to suffer from guilt, blame, and self-punishment. If I have done my best and my inner Judge tries to judge me, I’ve got the answer: “I did my best.” There are no regrets. 

That is why we always do our best. It is not an easy agreement to keep, but this agreement is really going to set you free. 

The sum of the 4 agreements become the mastery of transformation. If we practice these things, our lives will completely evolve into something beautiful and peaceful and meaningful. Don't expect that you will ALWAYS do them perfectly... you may not always be impeccable with your words... you may not always avoid taking things personally... you may not always escape making assumptions. But always, ALWAYS try to do your best and over time, the habit of doing these agreements will completely transform your life.

The Third Agreement

Humans are inquisitive creatures! We have all these questions we need answers to and  instead of asking questions when we don’t know something, we make all sorts of assumptions. 

I don't know about YOU, but I have a powerful imagination... and when there are unanswered questions, it becomes quite "natural" to imagine all kinds of ideas or stories; I start imagining what other people are doing, what they’re thinking, what they’re saying about me, and I dream things up in my imagination. Do you do the same? I assume you do, because that is part of the human condition. 

The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth! We invent a whole story that’s only truth for us, but we believe it. One assumption leads to another assumption; we jump to conclusions, and we take our story very personally. Then we blame others and react by sending emotional poison with our word. Making assumptions and taking them personally creates a lot of emotional poison, and this creates a whole big drama for nothing. We make assumptions, we believe we are right about our assumptions, and then we defend our assumptions and try to make someone else wrong. We even assume we are right about something to the point that we will destroy relationships in order to defend our position.

This agreement can be hard to do for us "over thinkers". But I've had the greatest success with this agreement. When I have unanswered questions like "Why did that person stop talking to me?"  I had to let it go because I have no idea what's going on in that persons life and I refuse to make assumptions about it. I can rest assured that it wasn't because of anything I said or did because I was impeccable with my words and I didn't take things personally (when that person was so shitty to me) and react out of anger.

Don’t make assumptions. By making this one agreement a habit, my whole life was completely transformed. If I don’t make assumptions, I can focus my attention on the truth, not on what I think is the truth. Then I see life the way it is, not the way I "want" to see it. When I don’t believe my own assumptions, the power of my belief that I invested in them returns to me. Once I recover all the energy that I invested in making assumptions, I can use that energy to create a new dream: my personal heaven.

The Second Agreement

Oh who am I kidding? This one is also difficult sometimes. Don't take anything personally... Whatever happens around us ~ What other people do = has nothing to do with us. It is because of themselves. You see, everyone lives their own dream, in their own mind. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on theirs.

This is particularly hard for me when I'm in a situation that seems so personal. Even if another person insults me directly, I must know it has nothing to do with me. What they say, what they do and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds. By not taking it personally, I am immune to pain; I can never be hurt by what they say or do.

There is a HUGE amount of freedom that comes when we don't take things personally. The whole world can gossip about us and if we don't take it personally, we are immune. Someone can intentionally send emotional poison and if we don't take it personally, we will not eat it.

As I made a habit of not taking things personally, I found that I didn't need to place my trust in what others do or say. I discovered that I only needed to trust myself to make responsible choices. I am never responsible for the actions of others; I am only responsible for myself. When I truly understand this and I refuse to take things personally, I can hardly be hurt by the careless comments or actions of others.

That doesn't mean I don't get hurt sometimes... because I do. But when that happens, I have stepped away from this agreement. I've learned that when something doesn't "feel good" (when it hurts or I am sad), to be able to recognize that I am out of alignment and I need to right myself; I need to remember who I am and intentionally pull myself back to the 4 agreements and into the vortex of creating my life the way I want it.

Easier said than done... but with practice, the second agreement can save us a lot of pain.

Do Not Take Anything Personally

The First Agreement

This agreement is probably the most important one and also one of the toughest for me to honor. Our "word" = our "power". It is THE most powerful tool we have as humans...  It is THE thing that will allow us to transcend our existence in this world. Our words can create the most beautiful dream or it can destroy everything around us.

Impeccable means (in Latin) "without sin" and a sin is something you do or believe that goes against yourself. It means not speaking against yourself, to yourself or others. It means not rejecting yourself. To be impeccable means to take responsibility for yourself, to not participate in the "the blame game."

The rules of "action-reaction" apply. What you put out energetically WILL return to you. Proper use of the word creates proper use of energy, putting out love and gratitude perpetuates the same in the universe. The converse is also true.

This all starts at home. Be impeccable with yourself and that will reflect in your life and your relationships with others. This agreement can help change thousands of other agreements, especially ones that create fear instead of love.

To break it down: 
1. Speak with Integrity (tell the truth).
2. Say only what you mean (be very intentional about saying what you really want to say)
3. Avoid speaking against yourself or others (that means don't put yourself or others down or gossip)
4. Use your words for the creation of peace and love

This becomes particularly difficult when others TRY to hurt or provoke us. I recently had an experience where a new friend would intentionally try to provoke me to anger. I think that's just what she was used to in relationships ~ I don't really know. But she would actively try to get me to clap back at her in anger. And she acknowledged that this was her pattern... but she completely lacked insight as to WHY she did that.

I simply refused to participate. That doesn't mean I didn't get angry, but I refused to respond in anger. If I couldn't respond in love and kindness ~ I'd just go radio silent. Not because she deserved that... but because I DID. I deserved to be kind. I deserved to be loving. I deserved peace.

Our friendship ended about as quickly as it started.

Be Impeccable with your words. So hard to do sometimes, but critical to the creation of peace in our lives.

The Four Agreements

THIS book changed my life. It's a simple little book, with 4 simple little agreements that are sometimes very difficult to do. I will spend the next 4 posts going over each agreement...

But first let me share a little story... Last year, I was invited to be a guest speaker on the radio. Also to be a guest that night was Don Miguel Ruiz. I was beyond excited!! I'm such a fan of him and his work and I was going to be on the radio with him!!

The day came and I had pneumonia, but I would not let that deter me. Out of my sick bed, I drove myself to Laguna Beach and crawled into the studio. Don (we are on a first name basis now) was going to call in... We had some time to chat before the program started and he truly IS an incredible man. So kind. So gentle. I just adore him.

The program began and Don lost his connection. He could hear us, but we couldn't hear him... and the phone lines were lit up with callers who had questions for Don. The radio host said, "Well, Dr. Krista will be happy to take your calls". I wasn't happy about that... at all. I felt the pressure and became so frightened.

The first caller, a woman had a situation and she wanted to ask how to approach it using the agreements. It was like a bolt hit me. Suddenly, I knew the answer... it was clear and I was confident. I spoke to the woman as if I had written the Four Agreements myself.

And the rest of the calls went just like that. Because I had read the book (a gazillion times) and became a student of the teachings and practiced the agreements in my daily life... I knew it. I could speak to it. And it was a great experience!!

As the show concluded, Don called back into the studio. He was so apologetic for the technical difficulties. He said he listened to me and thought I did really well. OMG! Don Miguel Ruiz complimented ME. I didn't even know what to say... I mean, I said "thank you", but beyond that... I was speechless ~ which it's pretty difficult to render ME speechless.

Tomorrow (or so) I'll talk about the First Agreement: Be Impeccable With Your Words

Ordinary

I  don't know if it's intentional, but... it might be... it probably is.

I mean... It doesn't hurt my feelings that you don't like me. What DOES hurt my feelings is that you deny me the ability to like you.

I try... I try to find some redeeming quality about you. But alas ~ you just keep showing up like an ordinary asshole.

How I view the World

     I was failing kindergarten, which I’m still unclear on how that’s even possible, but apparently “they” thought I might have had a learning disability because I couldn’t cut with scissors or some such nonsense.  So “they” sent me to a psychologist to be tested.  

     I remember being intrigued with her beehive hairdo (this was in the 70’s) and irritated by her line of questioning.  At one point, she asked me, “What color is a banana?”.  To which I promptly replied, “White”.  She leaned toward me, peered over her cat eye glasses and triumphantly declared, “No. A banana is yellow”!  Not to be outdone, I stood up and placed my hands on my hips and said, “No ma’am, a banana is white, the peel is yellow!”. 

         That is how I view the world; I look below the peel.  I engage with life by seeing statistical probabilities and analyzing the algorithms of everything around me.  I’ve always had an intrinsic fascination with the study of human behavior and I’d like to say that’s what led me to get my doctorate in psychology.  The truth is, I pursued my degree simply because I had a high school teacher tell me that I would “never make it in college”.  So… I went to college and upped the ante by earning a doctorate before my 10 year high school reunion JUST to prove to her that I could.

Who I am

I have not been on this blog since 2010! 8 years! To tell you the truth... I totally forgot about it. Then when I remembered ~ I couldn't remember the password. But alas and alack... I'm back. I've read through every previous post and... whoa... thankfully I'd forgotten most of that angst from 2006-2007. Those were some challenging times! And I don't recognize the person writing all those blog posts... I am not that person anymore.

WHO I AM

Krista.

I am confident

I am slightly crazy

I am complex

I am simple

I am kind of "Vanilla"

I am extremely OCD

I am exacting 

I am flexible

The major difference (in me) is... Today, I know who I am and I will never, ever censor myself so that another person will accept me. Ever again! I've spent the first 35 years of my life doing that... Figuratively ~ carving my body from the inside... cutting away every scrap of meat, muscle and fiber until it resembled a hallowed out chicken carcass and I was unrecognizable. 

I HAVE

Written and published 3 books

Pulled all 3 books from publication (because they no longer represented who I am)

Walked away from the "church" (I woke up and saw the hypocrisy and wanted no part of it)
Traded my pastor for my psychic

Traded the church for Law of Attraction (and holy shit! I love this stuff!)

Met some of the most amazing people

Met some of the biggest assholes 

I have a cat named Puppy and I prefer animals to people

I've learned to LAUGH again... I have found my humor and I am holding onto it with a death grip because THAT is my sanity.

That is Who I am and I LOVE ME.