strong. bold. beautiful. valued. LOVED

Felt very calm when my brother drove me to the airport... This time I knew what to expect. Checked in. Security stole my lighter! Osama! Not much anxiety flying... either I was too tired to care or something indeed has begun to change in me... I left OC feeling small. scared. hurt. betrayed. anxious. yes, excited too... Had a mild emotional set back just before my trip... rather than give the credit to my ex friend and her friend throwing me under the bus... I'll blame pms, cuz I really don't care what those two say or do...

Grief can be like a thunderstorm ~ blue sky suddenly giving way to black. We can be caught off guard by the hurt of what we have seen, what we have felt. Mourning has consumed many of us in a crashing downpour of pain. Thankfully, heaven's blue is permanent...grief's dark clouds are not. Gradually, if we hold fast and keep standing, our grief-blackened skies will once again give way to the enduring blue. So, I got a little "ugly" (in my blog). Perhaps the most important thing I remember about my "ugly" phase is that it's just a phase... It has a beginning and an end. Some people are "ugly" year 'round...

Feeling tattered, rejected, battered by "love"... I landed in Texas and did some serious soul searching... Love has risen out of the dross, and like a stream through the desert, it trailed in it's magnificent wake... life. Out in the country, watching the sun make it's appearance... tears of redemption began to fall. In a single, quiet moment, the direction of my heart changed.

Love is like that. It soars above the boundaries we absently confine it to. It breaks through what we mistake as unbreakable. It redeems captives once thought nonredeemable as it roars over their crumbling dams of uncertainty. No matter what we might observe on the surface, like an arrow that cannot be pulled out, Love's TRUTH pierces the heart with undeniable permanence. It costs the giver nothing... it gives the receiver everything! It is the most valuable treasure, worth far more than all the combined wealth the world has ever known... yet, it is free to give. Whatever shape or presence it inhabits, love matters... perhaps more than we know. Pure LOVE, refined of all the dross the world associates with it...truly changes our very foundation. I left Texas... feeling strong, bold, beautiful, valued and LOVED.

Good Night...Sweet Flight.

The closer I got to the airport, the tighter my lungs felt, the faster my heart pounded. ALONE. I was totally alone, facing my GIANT. Alone. Robots. The push of humanity, like cattle through metal detectors, crude wands, expressionless uniformed robots, "take off your shoes", "take your jacket off", "move forward." Nothing. No souls behind the glass. Emptied onto the tarmak to find the Beast 757 United flight 86. Shaking. TERRIFIED. ALONE. Seat 28A - across the laps of the innocent. Buckle up. Take off. Look. Don't look. Pacific Ocean right below..calling this beast into it's belly. Is that jaws...flossing his teeth? Ugghhh. Turn up Melissa E...drowned out 757 United flight 86...drowned out fear, broken heart, betrayal, pain, anger.

Fear makes me smaller.

Pretzels? Soda? Hope?

Hope becomes a distant light in the darkness...a flicker of radiance that stands contrast against the blackness of grief, sorrow...fear. No matter how small its light may appear... there is NO pain or fear that can stop the light of hope...None that can silence the voice of hope!

"yes please, pretzels, soda and HOPE."

Of the giants that live within our soul, one of the most powerful is our ability to choose. Choices rise like 757's, presenting themselves in every known direction. No one boards them for us. ALONE. Propelled by our own will, knowing that...

Hope is our choice.

The moment we say yes to hope's voice...and choose with a willing heart to board 757 united flight 86...light, truth and release pour like the sunrise over every crack and crevice of the brokeness...choosing to allow the blank spaces to be filled with peace as truth approaches... the sun's heat within my heart expands, stretching my thoughts, ideas, dreams and belief beyond any boundary previously known.

Hope makes me BIGGER.

Seats upright. Buckle up. Out of the clouds. Turn up Melissa. Breathe. In every honest, balanced, and meaningful way...hope stretches me to a new capacity.

Down. Down. Reality. The reality is 757 united fight 86 is going down. Smoke. I need a smoke.

Spit out again... ALONE. Where is united flight 582? Robot? Connection to... home. From small town to giant airport. Humanity flowing faster than a lie from a liars lips. Smoke? Robot? "to the box." Small mouse in a maze looking for Marlboro cheese. One drink minimum? To smoke? Water please... Big cat brings water and bill. Ahhh inhale. Have two. That smoke was an expensive bottled H2O. Stand. Don't sit. Ready for fight or flight. Men gawking. Lighter? You have a lighter? How? Dunno...robots in CA didn't find it. Where is gate B21? On the other side? Small town mouse scurries to Oz... B21? Anyone? Robot? Don't panic... Pure, unadulterated fear. ALONE. Denver. Spin. Everything is spinning... where the IS united flight 582?! Moved? gate B17? OCD. Check again. OCD. It changed. OCD. Germs. People. Don't panic! OCD.

Betrayal, hurt, broken heart...lies. lies. lies.

There are two kinds of people in this world...people who pick their nose and liars! Robot said B21. lie. Computer said B17. lie. lie. lie. Run. Panic. Inhaler? In suitcase. Dang Robot in CA! "can't carry those". How did I get two lighters past the robots, but NOT my inhaler? Fucking OSAMA! Panic. OCD. SMALL. Smaller. smallest. Time difference? Robot? Ahhh noooo...PANIC. Sweat. hot. cold. black. white. breathe. Found B17. Close eyes... don't sleep...just DREAM. Alarm...paramedics. I'm calm. I'm okay. Oh THAT lady is having a panic attack. I feel your pain sister... turn on Melissa. Calm. Breathe. Dream.

Boarding... moving like lambs to the slaughter... my seat 21D... right between two HUGE football players. Squished. Give up. Sleep!

Landing... Welcome HOME. Dallas Texas! Spit out again... Brother? Brother where are you? BROTHER?! NO! ALONE again in Texas... he forgot me.

Going to bed at brother's house. feels strange to be in Texas again... I don't belong here anymore. Not sure I ever did... Good night... sweet flight.

I KNOW...I WONT

I'm hesitant to blog today ~ too much that I WANT to say, but think it's best to hold myself back... or maybe it isn't best to hold myself back ~ perhaps I SHOULD blog it ALL and tell the WORLD about a coupla the meanest, evilest people I've encountered in my life... hmmm alot of people read this blog... I could send a warning out to humanity... perhaps I could save another innocent soul from being crushed by those evil doers... Nah, I think I'll take the high road today... some people just aint worth MY blog or MY time or MY emotions... it aint going to change a thing to give in to the temptation to publically humiliate anyone... I will simply say... I KNOW... I KNOW... I KNOW... when you lay down with dogs, eventually you get flea's... I'm standing upright and I'm walking forward... I have too much going for my life today and it's not worth it to get sucked back into the blackhole of deceit...manipulation...cruel intentions... ahhhh I'm giving in to the temptation to bust their lies wide open. I WONT...I WONT...I WONT stoop.

The FKDOVER song

THIS is a direct "quote" from a friend... too friggin funny ~ Go "D"

Okay, I love the human spirit. And because I do, I give many people the benefit of the doubt, as most of us do. Because most of the time, that works. But not always.I know that every one of you out there has had in a run-in with someone in your life that...well, ended up not being who they said they were, and in fact, turned out to be incredibly...unsavory. My tribute to those people in life who really should have been struck by lightning at a young age and taken out of the gene pool before they did so much damage to others is -- yes -- a song. Shocking, but true. In the style of my favorite melodramatic parody gurus, Tenacious D and Meatloaf, I give you my rock-anthem meets Abba-sing-a-long, my Ode To Those Who Need A Swift Kick In The Ars --"The Fkdover Song"at http://www.myspace.com/danielleegnew It's the last song on my music player. And please, pass it around to all of your friends, so that they, too, may know that yes, friend, their pain is felt, and that they now have assistance in flipping the big cosmic "bird" to those people in their lives who have worked so very, very, very hard to deserve it. Download and pass around the "The Fkdover Song" at http://www.myspace.com/danielleegnew...and have a jerk-free day !xoxoxoxDanielle

Good times

I'm still ON my adventure! Sitting in the hotel lobby in my PJ's and hair sticking up everywhere. I came down stairs for the free breakfast ~ it wasn't ready yet, so I got sidetracked on this computer. Too much to say about THIS adventure ~ Wooo hooo good times. Okay, coffee is ready and I'm heading that way...

Happy Azz

Whoooo Hoooo Let the adventure begin! Got up at 3:49 am ~ I'm like a kid on Christmas morning... I have NO idea where we are going ~ asked NO questions ~ didn't try to figure it out... gettin' in the BLUE THUNDER and we're heading in some unknown direction... Well, unknown to ME.

I try to keep myself really busy so that I don't think about the broken friendship... It works MOST of the time and lately I haven't even had time to stop and breathe ~ let alone breathe thoughts of HER. Every now and then it hurts ~ kinda like getting a paper cut. It's in those exact moments that I remind myself that she CHOSE to exit MY life...she chose to have nothing to do with me ~ SHE believes I'm a worthless and undeserving of HER friendship ~ Just like a paper cut, it bleeds a tiny bit for a tiny amount of time... and soon it's forgotten. 'Till ya bump it on something... I have CHOSEN to focus on the GOOD things in my life ~ and there is plenty! I have some really GREAT friends, an AMAZING family and a career to build... I'm HAPPY!

So, now I will get out the door for this adventure...

Happy Friggin Valentine's Day

Happy Friggin Valentine's Day!
Can I tell you about a gift I got? Can I tell ya about it? Can I? Can I? I got a STAR... no really...it's a real star and my name was put into a registry...it came with a beautiful framed certificate and a map on how to find the star! That was the most original, creative, special gift...and it meant a lot to me. Thanks "M"! We are going on an "adventure". She has made all the plans and arrangements ~ I'll just hop in the car and enjoy the thrill of having NO IDEA where we are going. Alls I know is that we will be driving for a long time and it may be cold there. LOL Whooo Hoooo a real adventure!

I'm taking Abby to the groomers today ~ jojo is going too ~ but he's gettin' a teeth cleanin'.

So...will someone please tell me why Valentine's Day is such a BIG deal? We buy flowers that will die... chocolate that will make 'em fat and get pimples... and profess an undying love that some may not be sincere about. Hmmm yeah.... Happy Friggin Valentine's Day!

Saturday Night and the Moon is OUT!

This morning I woke up pondering the important questions in life...
What color hair do they put on the driver's license of a BALD man? If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, what does baby oil come from? If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?" Ya know, just my usual ramblings...

I did it! I got a plane reservation...YIKES! I'm getting on da plane! I'm going to meet a gal about an upcoming book that I'm writing... yet it's so close to my family (that I haven't seen in years ~ and I'm not exaggerating...YEARS). I'd feel too guilty if I went that close to them and didn't stop in and say "hey".

Dad's surgery went well... he was kinda cute all doped up! Now... I'm going to my office to hang those pictures and it's done. I'll have a "open house" thingy when I return from the "south"...
Yeah! Going out tonight with the greatest women in OC! Wait, they neither live in OC, nor are we going out in OC... so... I guess I should say, I'm going out with some GREAT women tonight!

Saturday night and the moon is out, I'm gonna head on over to the twist and shout!