The closer I got to the airport, the tighter my lungs felt, the faster my heart pounded. ALONE. I was totally alone, facing my GIANT. Alone. Robots. The push of humanity, like cattle through metal detectors, crude wands, expressionless uniformed robots, "take off your shoes", "take your jacket off", "move forward." Nothing. No souls behind the glass. Emptied onto the tarmak to find the Beast 757 United flight 86. Shaking. TERRIFIED. ALONE. Seat 28A - across the laps of the innocent. Buckle up. Take off. Look. Don't look. Pacific Ocean right below..calling this beast into it's belly. Is that jaws...flossing his teeth? Ugghhh. Turn up Melissa E...drowned out 757 United flight 86...drowned out fear, broken heart, betrayal, pain, anger.
Fear makes me smaller.
Pretzels? Soda? Hope?
Hope becomes a distant light in the darkness...a flicker of radiance that stands contrast against the blackness of grief, sorrow...fear. No matter how small its light may appear... there is NO pain or fear that can stop the light of hope...None that can silence the voice of hope!
"yes please, pretzels, soda and HOPE."
Of the giants that live within our soul, one of the most powerful is our ability to choose. Choices rise like 757's, presenting themselves in every known direction. No one boards them for us. ALONE. Propelled by our own will, knowing that...
Hope is our choice.
The moment we say yes to hope's voice...and choose with a willing heart to board 757 united flight 86...light, truth and release pour like the sunrise over every crack and crevice of the brokeness...choosing to allow the blank spaces to be filled with peace as truth approaches... the sun's heat within my heart expands, stretching my thoughts, ideas, dreams and belief beyond any boundary previously known.
Hope makes me BIGGER.
Seats upright. Buckle up. Out of the clouds. Turn up Melissa. Breathe. In every honest, balanced, and meaningful way...hope stretches me to a new capacity.
Down. Down. Reality. The reality is 757 united fight 86 is going down. Smoke. I need a smoke.
Spit out again... ALONE. Where is united flight 582? Robot? Connection to... home. From small town to giant airport. Humanity flowing faster than a lie from a liars lips. Smoke? Robot? "to the box." Small mouse in a maze looking for Marlboro cheese. One drink minimum? To smoke? Water please... Big cat brings water and bill. Ahhh inhale. Have two. That smoke was an expensive bottled H2O. Stand. Don't sit. Ready for fight or flight. Men gawking. Lighter? You have a lighter? How? Dunno...robots in CA didn't find it. Where is gate B21? On the other side? Small town mouse scurries to Oz... B21? Anyone? Robot? Don't panic... Pure, unadulterated fear. ALONE. Denver. Spin. Everything is spinning... where the IS united flight 582?! Moved? gate B17? OCD. Check again. OCD. It changed. OCD. Germs. People. Don't panic! OCD.
Betrayal, hurt, broken heart...lies. lies. lies.
There are two kinds of people in this world...people who pick their nose and liars! Robot said B21. lie. Computer said B17. lie. lie. lie. Run. Panic. Inhaler? In suitcase. Dang Robot in CA! "can't carry those". How did I get two lighters past the robots, but NOT my inhaler? Fucking OSAMA! Panic. OCD. SMALL. Smaller. smallest. Time difference? Robot? Ahhh noooo...PANIC. Sweat. hot. cold. black. white. breathe. Found B17. Close eyes... don't sleep...just DREAM. Alarm...paramedics. I'm calm. I'm okay. Oh THAT lady is having a panic attack. I feel your pain sister... turn on Melissa. Calm. Breathe. Dream.
Boarding... moving like lambs to the slaughter... my seat 21D... right between two HUGE football players. Squished. Give up. Sleep!
Landing... Welcome HOME. Dallas Texas! Spit out again... Brother? Brother where are you? BROTHER?! NO! ALONE again in Texas... he forgot me.
Going to bed at brother's house. feels strange to be in Texas again... I don't belong here anymore. Not sure I ever did... Good night... sweet flight.
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